i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You Might Also Like
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked