You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Which wines pair best with gloating?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth