Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.