If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
You Might Also Like
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up