Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
how was your vacation
When ur friends with white people
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?