Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end