OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead