Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Sheep