Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha