I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m Sold!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”