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ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.