fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.