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Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
no such thing as a dumb question
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.