I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
ATMs should have breathalyzers