I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.