Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
just gave your address to some spiders
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.