[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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This cat wants you to take your pills
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
bout dat hot dog summer
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope