WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does