Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.