I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
You Might Also Like
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”