I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Realize this:
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no