A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
You Might Also Like
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
⛄️
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
me when the borders lift
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.