I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍