If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.