I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.