My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday