RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
greetings!
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis