Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving