I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low