Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.