My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.