Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
one last job
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.