Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
You Might Also Like
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.