The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Yup!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.