You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Seek kebab; not attention
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho