Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.