*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.