You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras