[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.