Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
You Might Also Like
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
It was worth a shot 😂
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin