chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing