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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
📽️movie date🎞️
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.