I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.