my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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ME: finally a program for me
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.