*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.