I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.