Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.