Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
🤣🤣💀
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
The Weeknd is back
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.