i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill