our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
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[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Teach your children to beatbox
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest